Professor R.V. Rangachary Vedanthakrishnan: “Is a gun madi*?”
Kameshwari Devi Suryanarayanan: “Nope, it isn’t”
“It is…stupid Kamu, your elder sister Abithakujalambal went to IIT Mumbai (Indian Institute of Terrorism), your elder brother Venkatasubbu is an ISO 9001 certified terrorist and you…such a waste!”
Kamu looks decidedly embarrassed and slightly peeved. The professor softens; after all she is his favourate student.
“Listen now, since it is madi you have to wash it, bullets et al before you take it up. And needless to say, you must be bathed”
“Now tell me how to throw a genade?”
Kami rattles off stuff she has learnt by-heart, staying up all night long.
“No no no…You will touch the gun with your left hand? Aiyyo! Right hand ma, left is impure…have I taught you nothing?”
“And no biting the grenade off, its yechal** (abacharam! These kids were getting too influenced by western media now-a-days). You must take the pin off with the middle finger and thumb of your right hand, circle the grenade round your head thrice and then throw it”
“What about clothing? No Versace, Gucci and Prada. Wear stuff that’s soaking wet, untouched by anyone. Get it class?”
“Guys..remember Panchapakesa Iyer..brilliant student, IIT topper the idiot was foolish enough to let his gun get stuck in his poonal; tch tch…”
Professor R.V. Rangachary Vedanthakrishnan shuddered as he remembered that ghastly moment.
“Always be careful. Constant vigilance”
“And bonus points if you get any one on the abishtu list***. Poitu vaango kozhandel”
*madi: An eccentric South Indian concept, requiring the person in question to wear wet clothes, touch only similar wet (pure) things and generally be a public nuisance.
**yechal: jhootha, hindi. Something that has had saliva on it.
***abishtu list: An array of names, populated as far back as 2008. Boasts prominent personalities who played a vital role in the rape of Mumbai (caste, age, sex, nationality no bar).
If you want to take offence, feel free to do so. I find no other way to react. For now.