Brilliant Tutorials

Professor R.V. Rangachary Vedanthakrishnan: “Is a gun madi*?”

Kameshwari Devi Suryanarayanan: “Nope, it isn’t”

“It is…stupid Kamu, your elder sister Abithakujalambal went to IIT Mumbai (Indian Institute of Terrorism), your elder brother Venkatasubbu is an ISO 9001 certified terrorist and you…such a waste!”

Kamu looks decidedly embarrassed and slightly peeved. The professor softens; after all she is his favourate student.

“Listen now, since it is madi you have to wash it, bullets et al before you take it up. And needless to say, you must be bathed”

“Now tell me how to throw a genade?”

Kami rattles off stuff she has learnt by-heart, staying up all night long.

“No no no…You will touch the gun with your left hand? Aiyyo! Right hand ma, left is impure…have I taught you nothing?”

“And no biting the grenade off, its yechal** (abacharam! These kids were getting too influenced by western media now-a-days). You must take the pin off with the middle finger and thumb of your right hand, circle the grenade round your head thrice and then throw it”

“What about clothing? No Versace, Gucci and Prada. Wear stuff that’s soaking wet, untouched by anyone. Get it class?”

“Guys..remember Panchapakesa Iyer..brilliant student, IIT topper the idiot was foolish enough to let his gun get stuck in his poonal; tch tch…”

Professor R.V. Rangachary Vedanthakrishnan shuddered as he remembered that ghastly moment.

“Always be careful. Constant vigilance”

“And bonus points if you get any one on the abishtu list***. Poitu vaango kozhandel”

*madi: An eccentric South Indian concept, requiring the person in question to wear wet clothes, touch only similar wet (pure) things and generally be a public nuisance.

**yechal: jhootha, hindi. Something that has had saliva on it.

***abishtu list: An array of names, populated as far back as 2008. Boasts prominent personalities who played a vital role in the rape of Mumbai (caste, age, sex, nationality no bar).

PS:

If you want to take offence, feel free to do so. I find no other way to react. For now.

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22 Comments

Filed under culture, funny, india, matter, mumbai, studies, terrorism

22 responses to “Brilliant Tutorials

  1. Elusive

    Fanf@#$&ingtastic!!! do the boys have their poonal on?

  2. Liberal

    really good! i enjoyed this one thoroughly

  3. Gradwolf

    madi doesn’t necessarily mean wearing wet clothes! They are just washed(I am guessing without chemicals etc) or new clothes. Brilliant post, though. Only you can do this. I hope nobody takes offence.And calls you abishtu instead :p

  4. vitruvian

    this is damn good..!only you can write something like this bala!!

  5. sthitapragnya

    Don’t forget to chant the Upachaara mantras for the weapons before going on the assignment. Chant the Shanti mantra while shooting ok? It gives ‘pieces’ of BTW is the institute only open for TamBrams or are we welcome to join?Jokes apart, your post exudes deep rooted sorrow camouflaged in humor. Great tribute to Maximum City!

  6. kusublakki

    Very very very very good post!!

  7. Prashanti :)

    too good !!!!!!!! enjoyed it thoroughly although I dint understand the tamil parts :(. A very different take on the so sensitive and sad issue.

  8. swatimala

    brilliant!one of ur better postsand i loved the reference 2 mad eye moody

  9. Gayatri

    If someone wants to add you to the abishtu list after this, so be it! Superb post

  10. maxdavinci

    super post, but then frm wat i make of it. Isn’t the prof inspired by stitha?So nice to see the guy not read between the lines and share his mantras!Its sacrilege to end it like this, this had the potential to go into 2 parts easily!PS: with everyone praising, i had to see the other side….

  11. chutney

    Chamathu da nee.

  12. buddy

    @elusive: post updated after ur astute comment! thanks@liberal: :)@gradwolf:thanks for furthering my knowledge abt madi :P@vitruvian: :)@stith:mine is a poor satire, the reality is for all of us to see@kusublakki: 🙂 😀 :)@prashanti: get hold of the nearest tam-brahm and ask them@swatimala: u r the only who got that! muuuah!@gayatri: thanks@maxdavinci: welcome to criticize da..np@chutney: romba chamathu! 🙂

  13. Fat Gujju!

    good good….loved it….wtf is poonal n all?n where is d reference to mad eye moody?… i read this thing twice but cud not get it ….

  14. Vivek

    Nice .. Nice .. Nice!! Hilarious!\m/ \m/

  15. Nandini Vishwanath

    Wolf boy knows a lot about Madi. And what he says is partly true. Madi is partially not to be understood. That is the premise of following Madi 🙂 And this is a BRILLIANT post 🙂 On a side note, my very Tam husband offends my pan-Indian sensibilities by threatening to name my yet-to-be-born/conceived daughter Abithakuchalambal and also one of the grooms my mom decided to go ahead with coz our horoscopes matched was Panchapakesan. I did not sleep for the next 3 days. Do you go through Tamilmatrimony a lot to remember these names? :PThere, I’ve managed to say a lot more than any other comment 😛

  16. vitruvian

    @fat gujju:for heavens sake!!!CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!!and to think ppl used to extol the virtues of ur intelligence in college! 😛

  17. Arun Sundar

    lol..And isnt that a grenade?!

  18. Gradwolf

    i protest!I got “constant vigilance” part too. Idhellam romba over!

  19. buddy

    @fat gujju: sigh! have i taught you nothing?! poonal is that thread@vivek: :D, btw i dint understand \m/ \m/ ? @nandini: ROTFL…you could call her abs, chellama! and poor poor u imagine nandini Panchapakesan! heheheAlso im giving you the award for the longest consecutive comments..yet! :)@Arun Sundar: I stand corrected, it is a grenade.@gradwolf: u did not. if u’d have u should have told me by now..and this from the man who knows barnabus acffe! chi! im ashamed of you

  20. Ravichandran L.M.

    u kant react any better Da.Chumma pinnite Da.DhoolYenna Madi vendi irukku.panneradu yennamo nasam dhane. G’ed konchum madi panniirrunda vedikama irrundhur iruukum illada.Shyamravi

  21. DeeplyDip

    great post…loved the way you potrayed the incident…some of the lingo was alien to me but then the expalnation at the end was helpful…

  22. Historiophile

    damn, are iyers so conservative??i thot that was left for the iyengars (no offense intended)as usual u r impeccable in creating a scene, with ur crisp dialogues and hearty sprinkling of namma uru stuff – madi, abacharam etal :)short & sweet, unlike my comment 😉

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